Be Not Afraid

Tonight in Panama. A song played in a quiet restaurant.

The song reminds me of my Mother. Callie Eason Yon.

I remember the last time we saw each other. Like yesterday. My Mother went to the hospital and never returned.

On 12 April 1971, my Mother lost her life. And I lost my Mother. I died with her.

My Mother’s life was taken by medical error, they said. I never truly will know. I had just turned seven. Her loss was crushing. I do not remember much from that time. My memories seem gone.

This song playing tonight. Now in Panama. Follows me around the world. Tonight I heard it quietly playing in a restaurant.

Tonight I wondered why this song makes me so sad. Very sad. I do not like to be sad. My life is not one of sadness.

And so, I checked this evening to know more. And realized this song was released and became a hit within weeks of my Mother’s departure.

The song is called IF.

IF was very popular when I was young and made me miss her so much. The song followed me through life. I no longer hear it often. Maybe every couple years I hear it somewhere, in some country. And I think, I wonder what Mom would think of me now. If she only knew. But only God will ever know the entire story. And what a journey it has been.

When I was young, I asked many times how did my Mother die. What happened? I was always told medical error. Doctor’s mistake. That sort of thing.

Losing your Mother you love so much. Is terrible. Deeply terrible. I never got to say goodbye.

Medical error.

And so, you can imagine when people wonder why I do not forgive organized “medical errors” causing millions of people — including parents with children — to collapse and die every day…. I cannot forgive this. Only God can forgive this thing.

After my Mother left, I thought so much about seeing her again.

I became unafraid to die. I wanted to live. But I was completely unafraid to follow my Mother. And still today, I greatly want to live. But am free of constraints of corporeal life. How do you think I did so much combat and kept going back? Tracked cannibals alone into jungles at night.

When you are unconstrained, you are free to learn. Free to live. Free to tell the truth. If you can find it. Finding truth, and telling it…can both be exceptionally difficult and dangerous. Lies are easy. Lies can make you popular. And lies are expenses. Truth is investment.

I knocked on Heaven’s door a thousand times. God never opened the door. I walked away without scratch. Again and again and again. Never with death wish. Not suicidal. I want to live. I love what God has provided. I love waking up in the morning to fight. My name is Michael, after all.

The worst thing that ever happened to me is losing my Mother. Nothing comes close.

There is massive difference between being suicidal and being unafraid to die. Those are unrelated. If you want to live, yet are unafraid to die…you have power most men can only dream of having. You have something no amount of gold can buy. You have power to tell truth. If you can find it.

I would take breaks from combat and walk high in the Himalaya. Hundreds of miles. Stars so bright. So many stars. And then back from the wilds into the firefights and suicide bombings and human insanity.

I am free. Free to say what I see. Free to think unpopular thoughts. I learned that hate is almost as dangerous as loving something you should hate. These things God has shown on this journey.

When strong men are shot or shredded, bleeding, afraid, knowing they are dying, often they scream for their Mothers. Or wives they love. Many a man has died with the name of his Mother, Wife, or Children on his lips. They were his first priority.

When you spend years in the Valley of the Shadow of Death…you may come back dead, broken, or cleansed and stronger.

If you come back cleansed and stronger, you may say things with bluntness of an old woman who does not care about anything but her Grandchildren. She will fight for those Grand babies. Because she no longer cares what you think. She cares about Grand babies. She has power to do important things.

And so, please never ask me again to forgive any man who pushed the death jabs. I will never forgive that thing. Only God has such power.

When I heard this song tonight, sadness swept into me. I still miss my Mother. And I know “medical error.” And what that means. Millions of children may already have lost a parent from this evil.

One day, I will knock on Heaven’s door again. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe many years from now. I do not fear.

I have crossed the barren deserts and there got into many firefights
I did not die of thirst but got some cramps
I wondered far but did not lose the way

I spoke words to foreign men and some shot at me. Though almost all welcomed me in. Including Muslims. Including Jews. Including Buddhists, and Sikhs. The vast majority were peaceful.

And I learned along this journey that some of God’s children do not mix well on the same land. Borders matter.

I will see the face of God.

All roads end at the same door. Maybe God will open tonight. Maybe God will say, “Stop knocking. I will tap your shoulder when the time comes.” And he will open the door.

And I will say, “God, Sir. I been knocking on this door. I stand before you in judgement. I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I ate alligator I caught with these hands. I have faith. But you know all this. You created me. I came to see my Mother.”